THE PINNING PANDEMIC
Rarely talked about, painful, and often poverty-inducing, the sadistic practice of body mortification is going on right here in 21st century Hollywood — showbiz style. It’s happened to me, and it COULD happen to you. And I cannot stay silent any longer.
Actors are being PINNED. That’s right- PINNED!
And it’s been going on for years.
It happened to me quite recently, in fact. How does it happen, you ask? Here’s how:
You’re going about your business, running to your auditions, trying your best to forget about the great jobs they could lead to as soon as you’ve left the building. This way, you won’t get your hopes up for nothing. And then a few days or a week after the audition, riiiiiight when you’ve finally forgotten about the project entirely, you get the call from your agent — “Mary? Good news! They want to put a pin in you!”
This is when we’re supposed to act excited. In theory, the term “put a pin in you” is supposed to mean that they REALLY LIKE you, and want to “put a pin in you” just in case someone else tries to cast you in something, making you unavailable for THEIR project. They’re not holding you contractually for the part, or anything. They’re not getting first refusal or anything… they’re not paying you or anything. They’re just calling to “put a pin in you.”
Why.
I’ve learned over the years that what the term REALLY means is,
“God you were great! You can really, like… ACT and stuff. Okay, so here’s what we’re gonna do; we’re so excited about you and your talent that we’re gonna go ask twenty-three celebrities if THEY want the part first. Some of them are celebrities you probably haven’t seen in anything for the last ten or fifteen years, but we’re just gonna ask them if they want the part first anyway. And we’re not gonna waste their time making them AUDITION for it like you had to do — learning twelve pages of dialogue and stuff. Oh, GOD no! That’d be really insulting to them. So we’re just gonna go ask ’em if they wanna do it. Then if all twenty-three of those celebs say no, we MIGHT ask YOU to do the part! Okay??!!!”
Uh… ‘kay.
“So here’s your pin! 😁 Now don’t MOVE. Stay riiiiiight there.”
Ouch! Get this f*@?ing! pin outta m — I mean, has it even been sterilized??? I could get infected. This is horrible.
Here’s the upshot of this rant, Hollywood:
STOP PINNING US!
It doesn’t do anyone any good. Not you. Not me. Not no-one. The pins you put in me are uncomfortable, and they don’t pay me anything. They’re just shorthand for: “We like you a lot but we’re not gonna cast you unless a million other people say no first, or want too much money.” So… no thanks. That last pin you put in me? I’ve taken it out. Feels great.
Not that you pinners even care, or are even remotely AWARE of the fact that I’ve taken the pin out, but let the record show that I have hereby UN-pinned myself.
No more pinning. Unless you at least buy me dinner first.
