Dear Statues of America: Don’t Be Scared.

Ugh. Playing hostess to Lily & Gordon, here, can be exhausting. ESPECIALLY now. Ever since the Charlottesville mishigas they’re both so paranoid! They used to be super fun and up for anything but now they don’t wanna do ANYthing fun! They just wanna stand on this same old corner in Beverly Hills all day long, day after day and look grumpy, which is fine I guess if you’re a statue, but I have to peeeeee, and I’m starrrrrving.

Still, they’re paranoia isn’t entirely unjustified. I mean, for eons, the one way to ensure you won’t be forgotten is to be carved into stone. But now? Not so much.

Just ‘cause you’re memorialized in marble doesn’t mean you aren’t susceptible to the whims of each generation’s favor (or lack thereof). Being made of granite is no insurance policy against annihilation.

Lily and Gordon have been standing here on this corner a long-ass time, but they’re suddenly convinced they’re gonna be torn down & I’m like:

Stop worrying!! Are you neo-Nazis? No, you’re not. You’re good, old, Hollywood Jews. Relax!”

So if there are any other sculptures out there on American soil shaking in their polished, but pigeon-pooed boots, don’t worry. Be happy.

Unless you’re a statue of a neo-Nazi or a fascist or a KKK member or an otherwise shameful figure who engaged in any other evil, backward, cowardly associations in your sad lifetime. Why? Because you’re a loser. You LOST. And everyone knows that history…

is a tale told by the winners.